1. I’m sleeping with Pam’s mom. Sometimes dinner. (The Office)
Made that much better by the fact that it’s delivered while Dwight is giving Michael the chills. Major childhood throwback, do kids still do that?
2. If you said jump, he’s say how high. If you said stop, he’d say hammer time. (Community)
3. Now I don’t appreciate being paraphrased. I choose my words very deliberately. (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
This whole scene was hilarious. Don’t believe me?
4. Hi, I have a friend of mine I’d like to introduce you to. His name’s Jesus. And he pays much greater dividends than those dollar bills in your underpants. (Greek)
Hallelujah, the religious Dale is back! How I missed laughing at the hilarious misadventures of a young evangelicalist.
5. I’m not going to be cold at all. Cause I’ll be wasted on grain alcohol. (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
Wise words, Dennis. I’ll be sure to remember that as the weather turns cold. But this leaves me with a dilemma, what’s better for my Sweet Dee Halloween costume? Wine in a can, or riot punch? Duh, both.
6. As a single woman, would you be more inclined to by a new microwave if it could be programmed to ask you about your day? Before you answer, consider your loneliness. (30 Rock)
My microwave shows a picture of a chef when your food is done. I call him Tom, after the cheftastic Tom Colicchio. He’s pretty great.
7. I can’t be caged in Sue, that’s why I got my tiger tattoo. (Glee)
Cue “Take Me or Leave Me” from Rent (a tiger in a cage / can never see the sun / this diva needs her stage / baby, let’s have fun). Ooh, actually please cue Rent, I would love to the Glee cast version of perhaps Rachel belting to Finn “I wanna go ooouuuut tonight!” or maybe Emma asking Will to “light her candle.” But, in a non-druggie way. Wait, that doesn’t work. Nevermind.
8. A book hasn’t caused this much trouble since Where’s Waldo went to the barber pole factory! (30 Rock)
So you can practice, Tracy. You’re welcome.
9. Claire likes to say you can be part of the problem or part of the solution. Well, I happen to believe you can be both. (Modern Family)
Congrats, Phil. I think you proved yourself right.
10. Well, let’s just meet at your pad in the bu. The bu, the bu’s malibu. (Gossip Girl)
Who knew that Hilary Duff was such a comedic genius? Ok, well genius might be a strong word, but at least she has me laughing with her instead of at her. Like I did in A Cinderella Story when she earnestly tells Chad Michael Murray’s character, “I know that guy that sent those emails is somewhere inside of you, but I can’t wait for him. Because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing.” Oh Disney Duff, those were the days. At least you were able to shed that cloak with relative class and not lose all your clothes in the process. And then have the pictures surface on the net, ahem, Miley, Vanessa Hudgens, and Adrienne Bailon. Um, ok I didn’t know who that last one was either, but if you want to see racy pics of Kim Kardashian’s brother’s girlfriend, try google. As a further aside, Disney, who does your PR? When you type “disney stars” into google, the suggestions include “disney stars gone bad,” “disney stars gone wild,” “disney stars exposed,” and “disney stars naughty.” I’m not sure how google picks those suggestions, but you’re Disney, get it fixed. Walt’s probably rolling around in his grave, or well he would be if he wasn’t cryogenically frozen beneath Disney world.
And like HDuff on this week’s gossip girl, “I gotta go. I love you, bitch.”