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TV’s 10 Best Lines

This admission might sound strange, but I usually don’t read television blogs other than Gossip Girl reviews on nymag.com. (And if you’re not reading Daily Intel’s fantastic reality index each week, you should.) Anyway, considering I’m writing a TV blog and dealing with some minor insomnia issues, I figured I’d check out what other people had to say about this week’s episodes. Honestly, I was quite surprised to find myself disagreeing with the HBICs [Head Bloggers in Charge, duh] over at TV Squad and NY Mag! Perhaps said insomnia is giving me a weird sense of humor. Or perhaps, we simply have different tastes. Either way I’m sticking to my instincts, so without further ado, I present to you Teleslant’s 10 Best Lines of the Week.

1. I’m Larry David, I happen to enjoy wearing women’s panties. (Larry, Curb Your Enthusiasm)

larrydavid

Looking good, Larry. Pretty, pretty, pretty good.

2. I’m just really stressed about the bake sale. I really like Artie, okay? (Puck, Glee)

I have no idea why I like this line so much. I just do. But um, not as much as this girl. Well, hun, at least you know Artie’s not completely paralyzed below the waist, if you know what I mean. That whole they’re-fictional-characters-on-TV thing might pose a problem, though. Oh just kidding, if you’ve figured out a way to locate yourself in Joe Jonas’ closet, you can probably cross the television/reality spacetime continuum. Be sure to sent Kurt my love! Oh, and can you ask him how he affords Alexander McQueen on his dad’s mechanic salary? Kgreatthanksyourethebest.

3. In the words of the philosopher Ed Money, “I’ve got two tickets to paradise.” (House, House)

Yes, this is funny because anyone who chooses “Money” as his/her name is surely not a philosopher (See, Cent, 50; Chamillionaire; Chingy). But even more than that, I liked this line because it reminded me of Michael Scott signing, “I’ve got two tickets to paradise. Pack your bags we’re leaving the day after tomorrow.” Those were the days.

4. You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they’re going in another direction. That was hard. (Sue, Glee)

Sue on Baywatch

From me to you, Sue.

5. If you turn us down and elect to be a mid-level cog at McCann-Erickson, we’ll have to lock you in the storeroom until morning. I’m sure you understand. (Bert, Mad Men)

This line ultimately beat out Roger’s “Yes. Yes, we are. Happy Birthday” but only by a little. Seriously, what more could you ask for from an episode of television than we got in Mad Men’s season finale? Nail-biting suspense, heart-wrenching goodbyes, laugh-out-loud lines? The opportunity to use clichéd phrases in a blog post? This episode was truly a dream come true for viewers and reviews alike.

6. Why am I crying? Did I accidentally listen to ‘Come Sail Away’ by Styx again?  (Troy, Community)

In the spirit of full disclosure, I present you with an excerpt of NY Mag’s “Debate 109” recap:

For every artfully constructed laugh-out-loud (do the kids have an acronym for that? We can’t remember) moment there’s a creaky or overly quirky dump of verbiage that surely works better in the writers’ room than in the mouths of actual (Greendale!) human beings. In other words: the school’s impressively gay basketball team? Aces! Troy’s labored love of Styx? Groans.

With all due respect, I have to wholeheartedly disagree. Seriously, you thought a skinny, mustachioed man wearing short-shorts was funnier than Troy’s emotional reaction to the sweet sounds of Styx? Ok, fine, it might sound funnier, but that’s not my fault, mustachioed is a funny word! Trust me, it wasn’t.

7. We’re both adults. (Tripp, Gossip Girl)

Whenever anybody says a variation of the phrase “we’re both adults,” (my fave’s gotta be “c’mon, we’re all adults here”) you know that at least one party involved is not acting like a responsible adult. And by blog as my witness, this case is will prove to be no exception. From these three little words, eight fourteen letters, we know that Serena’s on the cusp of becoming the next Madeleine Brown, Monica Lewinski, Rielle Hunter, Sally Hemings, Golan Cipel, well, you get the point. She’s totally gonna bang Tripp.

8. You’ve got to tell Susie I was in a car accident. (Jeff, Curb Your Enthusiasm)

Even thought TV Squad thought this scene should have been left on proverbial the cutting room floor, I think Jeff’s misadventures in philandering are always worth a good laugh.

9. That looks like something a death row convict would make in art therapy. (Tom, Parks and Recreation)

anne

Love you Anne, but really couldn’t have put it better myself.

10. You think that not eating cat food is putting on airs? (Mac, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

I googled “can people eat cat food” and found this informative article from PopSci.com. According to Dawn Jackson Blatner, a registered dietitian with the American Dietetic Association, “It’s OK to satisfy the occasional craving, but you shouldn’t make it a staple of your regular diet. It’s cat food for a reason.” Next, I googled, “People who crave cat food” and found a post called “Do Canadians Secretly Crave Cat Food?” I then realized this digression was quickly spiraling out of control and decided to call it quits.

So, internet, what did you think of this week’s 10 Best Lines? Hate my selections, but like the commentary? Love the selections, but has my commentary ruined television for you? Let me know by leaving comments below.

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Filed under 10 Best Lines, Best of Nov 8-14

TV’s 10 Best Lines

trophy

TV presented an interesting question this week, “Can it count as a line, if no one speaks it?” Sure why not? Who are we to discriminate against inanimate objects? So here’s this week’s 10 Best Lines, including those found on tombstones and t-shirts.

1. I am not robbing the cradle. If anything, I’m robbing the grave. (Michael Scott, The Office)

Michael Scott, giving a whole new meaning to the word “Gravedigger.” Ooh, which could totally be the disturbingly great new term for a guy who goes after cougars.  Gravedigger, spread it like wildfire.

2. Mother of Larry, an asshole and a swan-killer. (Stonemason, Curb Your Enthusiasm)

Larry’s mother’s tombstone inscription was the big pay off at the end of a solid Curb episode.  Obviously Larry wasn’t going to get away with bashing a swan be it murder or involuntary manslaughter, but getting outted via tombstone? Priceless.

3. Who Da Manny? (Jay, Modern Family)

Everything’s funnier on a t-shirt. Exhibit A:

who da manny

4. On Sunday morning she made pancake, Ted. Pancake. (Marshall, How I Met Your Mother)

So technically this joke ends with “and bacon strip.” But that’s not funny. What makes this joke work is people say, “I made pancakes.”  People don’t say, “I made bacon strips.” It’s, “I made bacon.” Just bacon.

5. Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. Every day, dominatrixes get paid by weirdos for just that privilege. I’m scared I’m gonna love it. (Michael Scott, The Office)

To all the little kids on playgrounds across America, forget “No! No! Leave me alone” or “I’m going to tell my Mommy!” if you yell Michael’s line at bullies, they won’t hit you.

CLICK HERE. Next 5 after the jump.

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Filed under 10 Best Lines, Best of Nov. 1-7