Category Archives: View By Award

TV’s 10 Best Lines

This admission might sound strange, but I usually don’t read television blogs other than Gossip Girl reviews on nymag.com. (And if you’re not reading Daily Intel’s fantastic reality index each week, you should.) Anyway, considering I’m writing a TV blog and dealing with some minor insomnia issues, I figured I’d check out what other people had to say about this week’s episodes. Honestly, I was quite surprised to find myself disagreeing with the HBICs [Head Bloggers in Charge, duh] over at TV Squad and NY Mag! Perhaps said insomnia is giving me a weird sense of humor. Or perhaps, we simply have different tastes. Either way I’m sticking to my instincts, so without further ado, I present to you Teleslant’s 10 Best Lines of the Week.

1. I’m Larry David, I happen to enjoy wearing women’s panties. (Larry, Curb Your Enthusiasm)

larrydavid

Looking good, Larry. Pretty, pretty, pretty good.

2. I’m just really stressed about the bake sale. I really like Artie, okay? (Puck, Glee)

I have no idea why I like this line so much. I just do. But um, not as much as this girl. Well, hun, at least you know Artie’s not completely paralyzed below the waist, if you know what I mean. That whole they’re-fictional-characters-on-TV thing might pose a problem, though. Oh just kidding, if you’ve figured out a way to locate yourself in Joe Jonas’ closet, you can probably cross the television/reality spacetime continuum. Be sure to sent Kurt my love! Oh, and can you ask him how he affords Alexander McQueen on his dad’s mechanic salary? Kgreatthanksyourethebest.

3. In the words of the philosopher Ed Money, “I’ve got two tickets to paradise.” (House, House)

Yes, this is funny because anyone who chooses “Money” as his/her name is surely not a philosopher (See, Cent, 50; Chamillionaire; Chingy). But even more than that, I liked this line because it reminded me of Michael Scott signing, “I’ve got two tickets to paradise. Pack your bags we’re leaving the day after tomorrow.” Those were the days.

4. You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they’re going in another direction. That was hard. (Sue, Glee)

Sue on Baywatch

From me to you, Sue.

5. If you turn us down and elect to be a mid-level cog at McCann-Erickson, we’ll have to lock you in the storeroom until morning. I’m sure you understand. (Bert, Mad Men)

This line ultimately beat out Roger’s “Yes. Yes, we are. Happy Birthday” but only by a little. Seriously, what more could you ask for from an episode of television than we got in Mad Men’s season finale? Nail-biting suspense, heart-wrenching goodbyes, laugh-out-loud lines? The opportunity to use clichéd phrases in a blog post? This episode was truly a dream come true for viewers and reviews alike.

6. Why am I crying? Did I accidentally listen to ‘Come Sail Away’ by Styx again?  (Troy, Community)

In the spirit of full disclosure, I present you with an excerpt of NY Mag’s “Debate 109” recap:

For every artfully constructed laugh-out-loud (do the kids have an acronym for that? We can’t remember) moment there’s a creaky or overly quirky dump of verbiage that surely works better in the writers’ room than in the mouths of actual (Greendale!) human beings. In other words: the school’s impressively gay basketball team? Aces! Troy’s labored love of Styx? Groans.

With all due respect, I have to wholeheartedly disagree. Seriously, you thought a skinny, mustachioed man wearing short-shorts was funnier than Troy’s emotional reaction to the sweet sounds of Styx? Ok, fine, it might sound funnier, but that’s not my fault, mustachioed is a funny word! Trust me, it wasn’t.

7. We’re both adults. (Tripp, Gossip Girl)

Whenever anybody says a variation of the phrase “we’re both adults,” (my fave’s gotta be “c’mon, we’re all adults here”) you know that at least one party involved is not acting like a responsible adult. And by blog as my witness, this case is will prove to be no exception. From these three little words, eight fourteen letters, we know that Serena’s on the cusp of becoming the next Madeleine Brown, Monica Lewinski, Rielle Hunter, Sally Hemings, Golan Cipel, well, you get the point. She’s totally gonna bang Tripp.

8. You’ve got to tell Susie I was in a car accident. (Jeff, Curb Your Enthusiasm)

Even thought TV Squad thought this scene should have been left on proverbial the cutting room floor, I think Jeff’s misadventures in philandering are always worth a good laugh.

9. That looks like something a death row convict would make in art therapy. (Tom, Parks and Recreation)

anne

Love you Anne, but really couldn’t have put it better myself.

10. You think that not eating cat food is putting on airs? (Mac, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

I googled “can people eat cat food” and found this informative article from PopSci.com. According to Dawn Jackson Blatner, a registered dietitian with the American Dietetic Association, “It’s OK to satisfy the occasional craving, but you shouldn’t make it a staple of your regular diet. It’s cat food for a reason.” Next, I googled, “People who crave cat food” and found a post called “Do Canadians Secretly Crave Cat Food?” I then realized this digression was quickly spiraling out of control and decided to call it quits.

So, internet, what did you think of this week’s 10 Best Lines? Hate my selections, but like the commentary? Love the selections, but has my commentary ruined television for you? Let me know by leaving comments below.

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Filed under 10 Best Lines, Best of Nov 8-14

TV’s Funniest Fashion Moment

Frank, Always Sunny

crocsFrank in Crocs. Hysterical. I cannot stand these hideous, horrible shoes. Well, when adults wear them, I think they’re cute for kids. They remind me of jellies, but your feet can actually breathe. But anyways, this Funny Fashion Moment isn’t directly referenced by any cast members other than an off hand remark by Frank that he can’t walk in his shoes. This comment occurs during a later scene in which the actual Crocs do not appear. Great touch, thanks for adding something for those who watch closely.

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Filed under Best of Nov. 1-7, Funniest Fashion Moment

TV’s Best Meta Moment

Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

To be honest, 30 Rock’s Meta jokes have been wearing as thin as their product placement jokes.  In fact, aside from this episode, I haven’t been impressed.  Even so, Tracy Jordan is still as funny as ever and deserves this week’s Meta Moment. Also, twitter users, follow Tracy Jordan.  You’ll see little gems like “For $15 I’ll induce your labor.” You’re welcome.

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Filed under Best Meta Moment, Best of Nov. 1-7

TV’s Who Told It Best?

Oddly enough, this week we saw another set of “so-and so-celebrity is totally irrelevant” jokes.  Last week it was Charlie Rose, this week it’s Adam Duritz of the Counting Crows.  Apparently Saturday Night Live and The League writers think alike, but the question remains Who Told It Best?

Andy Samberg, Saturday Night Live:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Ruxin, The League:

I wasn’t going to open this up for voting because like I’ve explained before, I don’t like The League.  But it’s a new show and I’ve only seen 1 episode, so I’m open to your thoughts.


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Filed under Best of Nov. 1-7, Who Told It Best?

TV’s Worst Product Placement

Cisco, 30 Rock

jackcisco

30 Rock’s approach to product placement is usually very funny. Pete’s, “Wow. This is diet Snapple?” interrupting Liz’s, “No, come on, Jack. We’re not doing that. We’re not compromising the integrity of the show to sell–” was quick, cute, and original. After discussing Verizon Wireless, Fey once looked straight into the camera and deadpanned, “Can we have our money now?” That moment felt so meta that I had to refer to Liz as Fey.

Cisco’s placement was done in jest. And yes, I know I said last week that I prefer the “if we’re going to do product placement, it might as well be a joke” style, but the Cisco gag felt wrong.  I get that joke’s over-the-top delivery was a meta critique of other shows’ failed attempts to incorporate product placement seamlessly into their scripts. But why bother making fun of other shows if it slows down the pace of your own? Maybe 30 Rock’s placement style is no longer funny because we’ve come to expect it. Maybe it’s only funny when it’s sleek and snappy.  Either way, Jack’s Cisco freak-out was undoubtedly this week’s Worst Product Placement.

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Filed under Best of Nov. 1-7, Worst Product Placement

TV’s Worst Continuity Error

How I Met Your Mother: The “Playing the Bagpipes” Euphemism. Ted tells sex stories to his kids. A lot.

Bagpipes

We’re really supposed to believe that Ted all of a sudden feels it’s inappropriate to talk about sex to his children? Remember the episode where the Lily made the 50 Reasons to Have Sex list? Well, we do. It was called “The Naked Man,” and the moral of that story was clothes are the only thing keeping two adults from getting it on. Or what about the listing of Canadian Sex positions in “Old King Clancy?” That episode even had an internet tie with http://www.canadiansexacts.org. (Just because the site doesn’t work any more doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten, HIMYM writers!) We could go on and on…

Honestly, we’d forgive this mistake if the “bagpipe” euphemism was either appropriate or funny. “Eating sandwiches” works for “smoking marijuana” because the phrases have roughly the same syllables and watching them pass sandwiches to each other is funny. “Grinch” works for “c*@!” for the same reasons. “Shut the bagpipes up!” does not work.

Also, another error. (Not continuity, just the lazy type). Check out the photo above. The picture of Marshall and Lily’s wedding does not belong in Barney’s fantasy.  Shape up, HIMYM, we’re watching. Closely.

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Filed under Best of Nov. 1-7, Worst Continuity Error

TV Characters: They’re Just Like Us!

They get bed bugs! (Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock)

jackbugs

Some friends of mine living together in NYC have/had bed bugs.  Let’s all hope for had. They’re in a limbo phase, back living in their apartment, but clothes remaining in storage.  Who knew that beg bugs were still causing havoc?  I thought they were just another old-timey affliction that now has a cure like smallpox or polio or ED.  Turns out I was very, very wrong. My friends have given me the bleak facts. Bed bugs can live up to one year in an empty apartment. Bed bugs are hard to detect because they only come out at night to feed. Beg bugs can cost infested households upwards of $5,000 to treat. No wonder these little vermin are known as “house herpes.” But whether you call them chewdaddies, ozark kisses, or Blue Ridge ticklers, you might want to think twice before you schedule your next trip to NYC, say in some sketch Euro hostel, or head back to a co-ed’s dorm. Yuck.

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Filed under Best of Nov. 1-7, TV Characters: They're Just Like Us!