TV presented an interesting question this week, “Can it count as a line, if no one speaks it?” Sure why not? Who are we to discriminate against inanimate objects? So here’s this week’s 10 Best Lines, including those found on tombstones and t-shirts.
1. I am not robbing the cradle. If anything, I’m robbing the grave. (Michael Scott, The Office)
Michael Scott, giving a whole new meaning to the word “Gravedigger.” Ooh, which could totally be the disturbingly great new term for a guy who goes after cougars. Gravedigger, spread it like wildfire.
2. Mother of Larry, an asshole and a swan-killer. (Stonemason, Curb Your Enthusiasm)
Larry’s mother’s tombstone inscription was the big pay off at the end of a solid Curb episode. Obviously Larry wasn’t going to get away with bashing a swan be it murder or involuntary manslaughter, but getting outted via tombstone? Priceless.
3. Who Da Manny? (Jay, Modern Family)
Everything’s funnier on a t-shirt. Exhibit A:
4. On Sunday morning she made pancake, Ted. Pancake. (Marshall, How I Met Your Mother)
So technically this joke ends with “and bacon strip.” But that’s not funny. What makes this joke work is people say, “I made pancakes.” People don’t say, “I made bacon strips.” It’s, “I made bacon.” Just bacon.
5. Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. Every day, dominatrixes get paid by weirdos for just that privilege. I’m scared I’m gonna love it. (Michael Scott, The Office)
To all the little kids on playgrounds across America, forget “No! No! Leave me alone” or “I’m going to tell my Mommy!” if you yell Michael’s line at bullies, they won’t hit you.
6. I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to. Because then there’s more room for me on the low road. (Tom, Parks and Recreation)
The guy who plays Tom, Aziz Ansari, is very funny. Check out this clip below where he talks about his unlikely friendship with Hollywood’s most hated rapstar, Kayne West.
7. I’m not gay, I’m bi-larious! (30 Rock)
Brought back fond memories of Jack’s “H-I-larious” catchphrase on Will & Grace.
8. [More t-shirt humor] (Always Sunny)
Exhibits B and C
9. Can’t fight if you’re not there. That’s what Gandhi taught us. (Barney, How I Met Your Mother)
Apparently he also taught us “a smile don’t cost nothing sugar.” Tried to figure out where that misunderstanding came from. Closest I got was a song called “There’s Hope” with the lyrics “it doesn’t cost a thing to smile,” by India Arie. Perhaps the India got Barney tripped up? Ted man, I don’t think Barney knows who Ghandi is either.
10. The old-fashioned way with doors and feet and walking (Dee, Always Sunny)
Dee on how she got to the lawyer’s office. Who knew that adding an extra “and” could make a joke so funny?