This admission might sound strange, but I usually don’t read television blogs other than Gossip Girl reviews on nymag.com. (And if you’re not reading Daily Intel’s fantastic reality index each week, you should.) Anyway, considering I’m writing a TV blog and dealing with some minor insomnia issues, I figured I’d check out what other people had to say about this week’s episodes. Honestly, I was quite surprised to find myself disagreeing with the HBICs [Head Bloggers in Charge, duh] over at TV Squad and NY Mag! Perhaps said insomnia is giving me a weird sense of humor. Or perhaps, we simply have different tastes. Either way I’m sticking to my instincts, so without further ado, I present to you Teleslant’s 10 Best Lines of the Week.
1. I’m Larry David, I happen to enjoy wearing women’s panties. (Larry, Curb Your Enthusiasm)
2. I’m just really stressed about the bake sale. I really like Artie, okay? (Puck, Glee)
I have no idea why I like this line so much. I just do. But um, not as much as this girl. Well, hun, at least you know Artie’s not completely paralyzed below the waist, if you know what I mean. That whole they’re-fictional-characters-on-TV thing might pose a problem, though. Oh just kidding, if you’ve figured out a way to locate yourself in Joe Jonas’ closet, you can probably cross the television/reality spacetime continuum. Be sure to sent Kurt my love! Oh, and can you ask him how he affords Alexander McQueen on his dad’s mechanic salary? Kgreatthanksyourethebest.
3. In the words of the philosopher Ed Money, “I’ve got two tickets to paradise.” (House, House)
Yes, this is funny because anyone who chooses “Money” as his/her name is surely not a philosopher (See, Cent, 50; Chamillionaire; Chingy). But even more than that, I liked this line because it reminded me of Michael Scott signing, “I’ve got two tickets to paradise. Pack your bags we’re leaving the day after tomorrow.” Those were the days.
4. You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they’re going in another direction. That was hard. (Sue, Glee)
5. If you turn us down and elect to be a mid-level cog at McCann-Erickson, we’ll have to lock you in the storeroom until morning. I’m sure you understand. (Bert, Mad Men)
This line ultimately beat out Roger’s “Yes. Yes, we are. Happy Birthday” but only by a little. Seriously, what more could you ask for from an episode of television than we got in Mad Men’s season finale? Nail-biting suspense, heart-wrenching goodbyes, laugh-out-loud lines? The opportunity to use clichéd phrases in a blog post? This episode was truly a dream come true for viewers and reviews alike.
6. Why am I crying? Did I accidentally listen to ‘Come Sail Away’ by Styx again? (Troy, Community)
In the spirit of full disclosure, I present you with an excerpt of NY Mag’s “Debate 109” recap:
For every artfully constructed laugh-out-loud (do the kids have an acronym for that? We can’t remember) moment there’s a creaky or overly quirky dump of verbiage that surely works better in the writers’ room than in the mouths of actual (Greendale!) human beings. In other words: the school’s impressively gay basketball team? Aces! Troy’s labored love of Styx? Groans.
With all due respect, I have to wholeheartedly disagree. Seriously, you thought a skinny, mustachioed man wearing short-shorts was funnier than Troy’s emotional reaction to the sweet sounds of Styx? Ok, fine, it might sound funnier, but that’s not my fault, mustachioed is a funny word! Trust me, it wasn’t.
7. We’re both adults. (Tripp, Gossip Girl)
Whenever anybody says a variation of the phrase “we’re both adults,” (my fave’s gotta be “c’mon, we’re all adults here”) you know that at least one party involved is not acting like a responsible adult. And by blog as my witness, this case is will prove to be no exception. From these three little words, eight fourteen letters, we know that Serena’s on the cusp of becoming the next Madeleine Brown, Monica Lewinski, Rielle Hunter, Sally Hemings, Golan Cipel, well, you get the point. She’s totally gonna bang Tripp.
8. You’ve got to tell Susie I was in a car accident. (Jeff, Curb Your Enthusiasm)
Even thought TV Squad thought this scene should have been left on proverbial the cutting room floor, I think Jeff’s misadventures in philandering are always worth a good laugh.
9. That looks like something a death row convict would make in art therapy. (Tom, Parks and Recreation)
10. You think that not eating cat food is putting on airs? (Mac, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
I googled “can people eat cat food” and found this informative article from PopSci.com. According to Dawn Jackson Blatner, a registered dietitian with the American Dietetic Association, “It’s OK to satisfy the occasional craving, but you shouldn’t make it a staple of your regular diet. It’s cat food for a reason.” Next, I googled, “People who crave cat food” and found a post called “Do Canadians Secretly Crave Cat Food?” I then realized this digression was quickly spiraling out of control and decided to call it quits.
So, internet, what did you think of this week’s 10 Best Lines? Hate my selections, but like the commentary? Love the selections, but has my commentary ruined television for you? Let me know by leaving comments below.
TV presented an interesting question this week, “Can it count as a line, if no one speaks it?” Sure why not? Who are we to discriminate against inanimate objects? So here’s this week’s 10 Best Lines, including those found on tombstones and t-shirts.
1. I am not robbing the cradle. If anything, I’m robbing the grave. (Michael Scott, The Office)
Michael Scott, giving a whole new meaning to the word “Gravedigger.” Ooh, which could totally be the disturbingly great new term for a guy who goes after cougars. Gravedigger, spread it like wildfire.
2. Mother of Larry, an asshole and a swan-killer. (Stonemason, Curb Your Enthusiasm)
Larry’s mother’s tombstone inscription was the big pay off at the end of a solid Curb episode. Obviously Larry wasn’t going to get away with bashing a swan be it murder or involuntary manslaughter, but getting outted via tombstone? Priceless.
3. Who Da Manny? (Jay, Modern Family)
Everything’s funnier on a t-shirt. Exhibit A:
Exhibits B and C: (from Always Sunny)
4. On Sunday morning she made pancake, Ted. Pancake. (Marshall, How I Met Your Mother)
So technically this joke ends with “and bacon strip.” But that’s not funny. What makes this joke work is people say, “I made pancakes.” People don’t say, “I made bacon strips.” It’s “I made bacon.” Just bacon.
5. Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. Every day, dominatrixes get paid by weirdos for just that privilege. I’m scared I’m gonna love it. (Michael Scott, The Office)
To all the little kids on playgrounds across America, forget “No! No! Leave me alone” or “I’m going to tell my Mommy!” if you yell Michael’s line at bullies, they won’t hit you.
6. I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to. Because then there’s more room for me on the low road. (Tom, Parks and Recreation)
The guy who plays Tom, Aziz Ansari, is very funny. Check out this clip below where he talks about his unlikely friendship with Hollywood’s most hated rapstar, Kayne West.
7. I’m not gay, I’m bi-larious! (30 Rock)
Brought back fond memories of Jack’s “H-I-larious” catchphrase on Will & Grace.
8. I’m gonna toss a frame-bang your way. (Dennis, Always Sunny)
Um, weird, but funny. It’s even weirder because Dennis doesn’t recognize “easing into” a woman while she’s sleeping as rape… Either way, the phrase “frame-bang,” instant classic.
9. Can’t fight if you’re not there. That’s what Gandhi taught us. (Barney, How I Met Your Mother)
Apparently he also taught us “a smile don’t cost nothing sugar.” Tried to figure out where that misunderstanding came from. Closest I got was a song called “There’s Hope” with the lyrics “it doesn’t cost a thing to smile,” by India Arie. Perhaps the India got Barney tripped up? Ted man, I don’t think Barney knows who Ghandi is either.
10. The old-fashioned way with doors and feet and walking (Dee, Always Sunny)
Dee on how she got to the lawyer’s office. Who knew that adding an extra “and” could make a joke so funny?
I struggled a bit this week because there were a lot of reruns. Where was the sitcom-y goodness of shows like How I Met Your Mother? Or the sparkly magic of Glee? And while I found myself laughing during Always Sunny, “The Gang Wrestles for the Troops” was not up to par. So although this is late, here are Oct. 25-31’s best lines…
1. My girlfriend, on a scale of 1 to Gisele, uh a 9. (The Office)
Ed Helms has been the highlight of The Office this season. And after seeing the Subtle Sexuality video, I’m so excited to see an Erin/Nard Dog romance.
2. Chex mix, pretzels, baby carrots—predictable but appetizing! (Community)
To really appreciate this line you need to hear it in Abed’s priceless Batman voice. So here you go:
3. Hey slutty teenaged girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year! (Parks and Recreation)
I’m so happy that Parks and Recreation has hit its stride! As much as I love, love, love Amy Poehler, I could not get into last season. As an aside, if I could invite one celebrity couple over for dinner, it would have to be Amy Poehler and Will Arnet. And with Parks and Recreation’s great reviews this season, there wouldn’t be that whole awkward elephant in the room thing, “Wow, you two are hysterical, why can’t you find a good vehicle on TV?” I’m not a Sit Down, Shut Up fan, and I don’t even want to talk about the cancellation of the great but under appreciated Arrested Development. At least Hulu gives it the recognition it deserves. Any way, go Poehler and Rashida Jones!
4. Read my face. (30 Rock)
Not really funny unless you read his face. But the question remains, whose face was better, Sacha’s or Jenna’s?
5. The poncho by itself is fine. The poncho plus the flute plus the stupid dance? My son will die a virgin. (Modern Family)
So unexpected both from Gloria and this episode in general. This line was great, but one line does not an episode make. Let’s hope for more next week.
6. Excuse me, Mr. Donaghy, I’m not sure if you’re participating in this year’s pumpkin carving contest or if like last year, I should go jump up my own ass. (30 Rock)
If I had carved a pumpkin this year, it would have looked like Neil Patrick Harris as Dr. Horrible. Well, I would have tried to make it look like this photo. I’d probably have ended up with stitches instead, but it’s my blog, I can pretend.
7. Then I can mark you down to definitely being there from 7 sharp to Spanish upside-down question mark? (Community)
I love seeing Alison Brie’s desperate performance as Annie on Community. She shown flints of humor as Pete Campbell’s desperate wife on Mad Men, but here it’s much more appropriate to laugh.
8. So Rufus asked my size this morning, does this mean I’m getting a flannel? (Gossip Girl)
OMG. I died. Gossip Girl writers note: The more screen time Eric gets, the better.
9. You really think your life is like a romantic comedy, don’t you? (Greek)
Casey totally thinks her life is like a romantic comedy. But then again, at one point or another what girl hasn’t sang into a hair brush while dorkily dancing around her room? And, had this been a romantic comedy, the song playing would have been KT Tunstall’s “Suddenly I See.” Apparently this ubiquitous girl power anthem was even considered for Hillary Clinton’s campaign song. Or so says Wikipedia.
10. I love that picture of you. It’s so flattering. And who could resist free gifts in shiny wrappers? (Gossip Girl)
Even though Dan’s awkward mumbling is way less believable now that he has become quite the lady’s man (c’mon GG, I’m not a Dan fan but stop calling him Lonely Boy), I still couldn’t help but laugh.
1. I’m sleeping with Pam’s mom. Sometimes dinner. (The Office)
Made that much better by the fact that it’s delivered while Dwight is giving Michael the chills. Major childhood throwback, do kids still do that?
2. If you said jump, he’s say how high. If you said stop, he’d say hammer time. (Community)
3. Now I don’t appreciate being paraphrased. I choose my words very deliberately. (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
This whole scene was hilarious. Don’t believe me?
4. Hi, I have a friend of mine I’d like to introduce you to. His name’s Jesus. And he pays much greater dividends than those dollar bills in your underpants. (Greek)
Hallelujah, the religious Dale is back! How I missed laughing at the hilarious misadventures of a young evangelicalist.
5. I’m not going to be cold at all. Cause I’ll be wasted on grain alcohol. (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
Wise words, Dennis. I’ll be sure to remember that as the weather turns cold. But this leaves me with a dilemma, what’s better for my Sweet Dee Halloween costume? Wine in a can, or riot punch? Duh, both.
6. As a single woman, would you be more inclined to by a new microwave if it could be programmed to ask you about your day? Before you answer, consider your loneliness. (30 Rock)
My microwave shows a picture of a chef when your food is done. I call him Tom, after the cheftastic Tom Colicchio. He’s pretty great.
7. I can’t be caged in Sue, that’s why I got my tiger tattoo. (Glee)
Cue “Take Me or Leave Me” from Rent (a tiger in a cage / can never see the sun / this diva needs her stage / baby, let’s have fun). Ooh, actually please cue Rent, I would love to the Glee cast version of perhaps Rachel belting to Finn “I wanna go ooouuuut tonight!” or maybe Emma asking Will to “light her candle.” But, in a non-druggie way. Wait, that doesn’t work. Nevermind.
8. A book hasn’t caused this much trouble since Where’s Waldo went to the barber pole factory! (30 Rock)
So you can practice, Tracy. You’re welcome.
9. Claire likes to say you can be part of the problem or part of the solution. Well, I happen to believe you can be both. (Modern Family)
Congrats, Phil. I think you proved yourself right.
10. Well, let’s just meet at your pad in the bu. The bu, the bu’s malibu. (Gossip Girl)
Who knew that Hilary Duff was such a comedic genius? Ok, well genius might be a strong word, but at least she has me laughing with her instead of at her. Like I did in A Cinderella Story when she earnestly tells Chad Michael Murray’s character, “I know that guy that sent those emails is somewhere inside of you, but I can’t wait for him. Because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing.” Oh Disney Duff, those were the days. At least you were able to shed that cloak with relative class and not lose all your clothes in the process. And then have the pictures surface on the net, ahem, Miley, Vanessa Hudgens, and Adrienne Bailon. Um, ok I didn’t know who that last one was either, but if you want to see racy pics of Kim Kardashian’s brother’s girlfriend, try google. As a further aside, Disney, who does your PR? When you type “disney stars” into google, the suggestions include “disney stars gone bad,” “disney stars gone wild,” “disney stars exposed,” and “disney stars naughty.” I’m not sure how google picks those suggestions, but you’re Disney, get it fixed. Walt’s probably rolling around in his grave, or well he would be if he wasn’t cryogenically frozen beneath Disney world.
And like HDuff on this week’s gossip girl, “I gotta go. I love you, bitch.”